Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself
"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
Lillian Carter (Mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but
fine against a wall."
Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you
Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Amen
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